The language of positive communication
7 easy steps to let your children know they are valuable members of the family, trustworthy, loved and cared for.
- Understand the world according to your child. Children enter into different stages of development. We want to understand their needs and their limitations. We want to have empathy, understand frustration or any other emotion. This does not mean we rescue them; it means we understand them.
- Recognizing feelings: VALIDATION. Validate how your child feels. “I know you want another ice cream; ice cream is so delicious”. “I know you want that toy right now, it’s fabulous”. When we validate children, it removes 50% of their angst. Someone understands, they are on their team. I understand you want more ice cream, it’s fantastic. At the toddler/pre-school age it is important to give them the words to their emotions. You are so angry because you wanted to go first. You are really sad because he didn’t want to play with you.
- Arousing Empathy: Showing a child how their behavior has an impact on the world around them is a powerful tool. Look at her face, she is sad because you called her names. Look at her face, she is smiling because you gave her that toy. Look at the mark on his arm where you hit him, he looks scared, hitting hurts. Arousing empathy can work in a positive way as well. “Look at my face, I am so happy, had a great day because you helped get dressed this morning”.
- Focus on the positive: We want to catch our children doing “good”. This is huge by the way. This has changed behaviours almost overnight. You are using your words, you were so gentle with your brother, you put your hands very lightly on his arm as you were touching him. You can even give positive ways to handle situations, for example: You really want that toy, you can use your words, it can be your turn when he’s finished. Using a firm and calm tone reassures young children that you know what you’re doing. Is there one thing that you can say about the morning routine that went well? This is very encouraging for children. REALLY IMPORTANT-LISTEN: We don’t always need to wait to celebrate when there is success-like a finished product. We can also celebrate effort and improvement. It’s like being present in the process, not just being concerned about the end result.
- Help children to think for themselves: Healthy communication doesn’t happen in words alone. Children need to have the experience of self-sufficiency and competence. This means that we can allow them to make mistakes as long as it is not life threatening. So, we give power and authority to them to make a good decision or a bad decision. For example: I know you really want to play in the park. You can cry or not cry; the choice is yours. Personal power does not mean disobedience, or your kid is “trying to get you”. It means learning what brings most peace and happiness in a person’s life. This is at the heart of being excited about parenting. We are not only their parents, we are their primary teachers, at least for a little while, but that’s why we set these foundations in the early years, so that they are able to make good decisions that keep them safe.
- Let the message be clear: Before we can teach children what we expect of them in any situation, we must clearly define for ourselves what we want to have happen. Children do really well with a clear message. When you tell a child what they cannot do, you must tell them what they can do. “You cannot throw sand at people, but you can fill this pail. You cannot jump on the couch, it’s dangerous but you can jump up and down on the floor, or we could have a special jumping time. It’s okay to be angry, you cannot hit your brother, you can say loudly I am angry!” If your child pulls the dog’s fur and you say, “don’t do that” and leave them hanging, they may think okay so what else can I do- okay then I’ll kick the dog”.
- A matter of “heart”: There is no one that can challenge a parent or stretch a parent or push a parent as a child can. This is not a part time job; it is a life- time investment. The pay- off is great! Whatever the challenges, there is this quiet language that occurs between parent and child. It is the quiet, simple everyday moments. The hug just because it feels good, the giggling under a blanket, the celebration when he/she puts her jacket on by themselves for the first time, the look they see on your face when they sing you a song. What great language-the language of love. Then there’s the tickle time, counting freckles, squeezing, squishing, and tucking into bed every night. As babies grow, so do parents and building a relationship is the most effective tool a parent can have. The message needs to be “unconditional love”. We don’t say children are bad, but we do let them know the behaviour was wrong. We cannot go to the park, and I love you. There are no more cookies and I love you…That’s the message.
