12 Ways to Impact, Reach and Teach your Pre/Early Teen

Time flies is an old saying that rings true in every generation. Though time seems to slow up when we are waiting anxiously for the birth of a baby, tending to middle of the night feedings, dealing with tantrums, daycare issues, illnesses, and other worries, before you know it, those kids grow up and we now need to take on new challenges:

The Challenge of the PreTeen/Early Teenager

PRETEENS AND EARLY TEENAGERS: Who are they?

Think back to the stage when your 2-year old toddler started asserting his or her autonomy (“Me do it”!) while still needing to hang onto your legs for balance.

• Although your pre/early teen would never admit it, they too are hanging onto you, often coming back to that shelter and support you gave them while they were growing up.
• They need their space and privacy and so you might often face a shut door to their bedroom.
• At this stage, peer persuasion becomes more and more pressing so we want to train them to think clearly and reasonably.
• They are trying on new identities and forming new habits.

As they become stronger in their own opinions, they may no longer conform to your ways as they had in the past. Remember, they want to assert their own ideas and test them.

• It is normal for your son/daughter to act as if he or she doesn’t want your influence or guiding hand. They sometimes become embarrassed of their parents and may suddenly produce a list of rules for you which may include: Playing only certain types of music during carpool, avoiding any good-bye kisses or any terms of endearment in public. The list of course, can grow and grow. It’s important to respect their need to be independent yet at the same time we should continue to maintain a strong presence in their lives.
• As your child grows, their responsibilities increase (but so do all these new privileges). As we share tasks and allow new freedoms we send a message of “I trust you”. When we trust someone, they become trustworthy.

I remember a mom who made it very clear to her daughter that she did not trust her. This teen became even more rebellious. Since she already lost her mother’s trust, what more did she have to lose?

12 ways to impact, reach and teach your pre/early teen, while enjoying them!

• Role modelling is critical. You may not realize how important it is to avoid complaining about your own daily chores, office or people related problems. Take care of your daily tasks in a positive manner and with a positive attitude. This may help your new teenager or preteen produce the same kind of response.
• Role modelling extends to personal health care as well. Maintain good sleep and eating habits and try to include exercise in your weekly routine. This will set an example of healthy living and will encourage them to do the same thing in their own lives.
• Mealtime is especially important for the entire family to gather together around the table, even if you can only manage this twice a week. Try to have everyone there. Don’t worry so much about how much time is spent as much as ensuring that each one is really present! In other words, no cell phones, t.v. i-pads or outside interruptions.
• Make sure that everyone has their particular household “chores” or responsibilities. Don’t be afraid to enforce these household rules and at the same time let them know how important they are and how much they are needed in order to have the house function in a proper manner.
• Pick your battles- do not battle over minor issues, but rather try to keep an upper hand over the major battles and set realistic expectations.
• From a young age we should take the opportunity to teach them how to think and not what to think. This means we want them to make decisions from a personal heartfelt motivation rather than responding a certain way just because you demanded it.
• Try to create and maintain some personal family traditions. The night before each one of my children’s birthdays, when everyone was fast asleep, I would hang up special baby pictures of them, including awards they may have received, or art they may have drawn … whatever I really thought would encourage them. Then the following morning, I would drag the birthday child out of their bed, bring them to the kitchen only for them to find a cake with candles already lit. We would then, as a family, all have a piece of cake together before getting ready for the rest of the day.
• Even if you cannot show affection in public or even if they don’t want to hear you go on and on about how proud you are of them, be sure to send them love messages when you can. They might show an outward air of indifference, but their hearts are still attached to yours.
• Never underestimate small family moments or activities. Not everyone can afford a winter vacation in the sun. One Christmas my daughter had an operation and was not allowed outdoors. After 10 days she was finally given permission to ride in the car. We all packed into the family car and took her all around town, from the west side to the east and back again looking for and awarding various homes with the best lit Christmas tree decorations. This became another family tradition for years to come. One night we ordered Chinese food at 10 pm and my kids never forgot this. Why would this have such an impact on them? Because it was spontaneous, and led to an important family connection time. We are memory makers!
• Listen to your child. If they get in trouble at school don’t assume it’s all their fault. It’s important to hear both sides of the story and their side certainly counts. Be their advocate and listen first before judging too quickly. Share their disappointments and validate their feelings.
• Be there for them and be enthusiastic when they tell you about some of their plans and desired adventures. No matter how impossible their dreams may seem to you at the time, these are dreams of your child! Let them be creative.
• Most of all, be a parent. I love to tell my kids that while I am here on this planet, they will always have a mom. I tell them I love the role I play in their lives! The message I hope to give is, unconditional love. The message to our kids should be that we have faith in what they can do, that we trust them and there is always something good to be learned! When a mistake is made, we teach forgiveness and offer a chance to get it right!