Communicating effectively with your children

Does it sometimes feel like the more you talk, the less your children are listening?

There are important tools and steps we can take so that our communication will be effective.

Let your voice be heard.

Have our voices reached the same frequencies as  iPod players  or TV stations so that we simply become background music to their ears? Good and effective communication skills means our voices can stand up in sharp contrast to that which distracts. Good communication skills give us opportunity to share and to teach our children.

How effective is our communication?

Each child has their own innate personality and accompanying temperament. We must also factor emotions in to the child’s whole being.

As parents, we are far more equipped  to handle our children and communicate properly with them when we can relate well to their specific level of thinking and reasoning, respecting and addressing  their not so predictable temperaments  and underdeveloped skills to control their emotions.

Just as in adults, emotions play a major influential role on the child.  We must all admit to having our own emotional swings, sometimes on a daily or even hourly basis. As adults we try hard to mask these emotions and can often succeed. However, remembering that a child has not yet reached an emotional or experiential maturity, we should not expect them to be like us… not yet!! Most children will have “meltdowns” or experience some type of emotional onslaught… this being brought on by fear of  separation,  anxiety to new situations or a need for instant gratification (I want that cookie now!)… just to name a few.

Emotional development is important and it is an area we need to care for, using tools that teach leaving one’s integrity intact.

As well we want to foster positive self-image, nurture and teach  children about themselves so that they will know who they are in order to know who it is they are working with.

As I began my studies of young children, worked and trained in the field, I learned that communication is not just confined to parenting, it is a life skill that can be a deal breaker, a learning tool and even a love offering. Yes, a love offering. Something as an authentic “I’m sorry” can change situations instantly.

Proper communication can teach and heal.

Many years ago when my Mom was dying, she spent 11 weeks in the hospital unable to move her body, unable to speak. She could only communicate with her eyes and sometimes a nod of her head. Let me tell you, I learned then that communication takes on many forms. I knew her emotions, her needs and what to say and do to help her.

In the world of business any successful salesperson would agree that building a relationship is half the job in being effective. Do you know, or have you experienced how much easier the sale was once your client was connected to you?

The same is true and applied to parenting. The more you enrich your relationship, the more you put in, in an honest and sincere way-no magic wands or trickery,  the more your children will be open to learning and be willing to be guided by you.

Honesty and Trust

Many parents have tried “sneaking out” of the house when Grandma comes over. While she is keeping 2 year old Julie busy with crayons, Mom decides to leave rather than stir up any crying. What do you think happens when Grandma comes over for the next visit?

One parent shared  that her 7 year old often does not tell the truth, she makes up lots of stories and will also blatantly lie to cover up something she has done. Here’s what she said next: When she (the Mom) plans an evening out, she doesn’t like to tell her daughter the truth. Even though her daughter (let’s call her Sarah) senses the Mom’s urgency in getting through the bedtime routine and asks Mom several times if she is indeed going out, the Mom continues to say no. One time Mom was even dressed in heels and a nice dress and still could not tell Sarah the truth.

While you may think you might never do this, we need to understand what motivates Mom to do this.  She didn’t get into parenting with the intention to not be honest. She was so afraid that Sarah would cry or protest loudly that she would rather lie than face the anxiety or her guilt in the moment. Of course we know that this only created a much bigger problem. There is not trust between daughter and Mom. We need to help parents say what they mean, mean what they say and follow through. This helps children feel safe, and is an effective tool in changing wrong behaviors.

When my daughter was having her tonsils out at age 3 she asked me if it would hurt. I knew that telling her “yes” could make the days leading up to the operation more difficult but I needed to get through that. Of course when she awoke she was crying in pain but there was a bond at that moment that just felt different. I had earned her trust, this was trust in action.

Here are four things parents should know about “trust in action”

1. Role model honesty yourselves. If the phone rings and you say to your husband “if it’s your mother tell her I’m not home”, what message did you just give your child? Be honest even if it’s painful, I don’t believe in white lies, someone made that up as a loophole to avoid painful situations.
2. Really listen to kids. Even if you are pre-occupied or it doesn’t seem all that interesting. If we listen “authentically” to our daughter’s account of the schoolyard when she’s in grade 2 then we will hear about the boys in grade 9.
3. Keep confidences. We need to consider what they tell us privileged information. If it does need to be shared then the child needs to be asked first.
4. Be authentic! When faced with behavior that’s out of control, or anything that may stir up your heart, it is good to train oneself to not over react and yet at the same time be authentic. Children will be confused if we say in a lovely tone “you shouldn’t write on the walls”.

Repetition:

Repetition should be part of a daily dialogue. Your hands are not for hitting, you can wave, you can clap your hands, you can use your words, you cannot hit. You must tell them what they can do after you have told them what they cannot do. Can you come down by yourself or do you need some help? (When given the choice, most 2 year olds will choose the first)

Arouse Empathy:

Showing a child how their behavior has an impact on the world around them is a powerful tool. Look at her face, she is sad because you grabbed her toy. Look at her face, she is smiling because you gave her that toy. Look at the mark on his arm where you hit him, he looks scared, hitting hurts.

Focus on the positive:

We want to catch our children doing “good”. You are using your words, you were so gentle with your brother, you put your hands very lightly on his arm as you were touching him.

Recognize feelings:

Validate how your child feels. “I know you want another ice cream, ice cream is so delicious”. “I know you want that toy right now, it’s fabulous”. When we validate children, it removes 50% of their angst. Someone understands, they are on their team. I know you want me to stay in your bed, cuddling is great but…

Role model:

Set a positive example. Did you know that getting kids to say please or thank you is much more effective when you speak that way to your spouse, partner or a  friend across the dinner table? Please pass the ketchup …Respond to another’s distress the way you would want your child to respond. When we have the chance to put our words into action, it is way more effective.

It is my passion and privilege to guide parents with communication tools that capture the attention of their children and teach growing minds and hearts.